Fortunately, my health has improved, so I have been writing.
My writing has focused on revising my North Wales police procedural Fates Maelstrom. My answer to this month’s question makes my decision to focus my time here clearer.
For those following my Ukraine saga, Freedom Flights, that project is on hold, except I keep abreast of the ongoing war daily.
Slava Ukraini
Heroiam slava!
**
Every month, IWSG announces a question that members can answer in their IWSG posts. These questions may prompt you to share advice, insight, a personal experience, or a story. Include your answer to the question in your IWSG post or let it inspire your post if you are struggling with something to say.
Remember, the question is optional!
May 6 question – What was the most inspiring feedback you received from readers, including agents, editors, and beta readers?
Although I’ve had some invaluable feedback during my writing career, I’m going to focus here on my Snowdon Shadows Mysteries, set in North Wales.
First Snow on Snowdon ~ Juanita Clarke
Last year, I finished Draft 8 of Fevered Fuse, which chronologically is Book 1. When my beta readers read Draft 3 in 2020, comments like ‘Overall, congratulations! You have a really fun character, location and story. It will be such a super fun book to read’, and more specific ones, inspired me to hone that draft over the next five years with a professional editor’s help.
However, Draft 8 garnered a mixed response from writer friends and the first rejection from a publisher. Confused, I stopped submitting the manuscript and began revising Fates Maelstrom, chronologically Book 2 of the Snowdon Shadows Mysteries. When I sent the first three revised chapters of ‘Fates Maelstrom’ to one of my original beta readers, her response encouraged me to focus on that book.
“…I’m enjoying those first three chapters—I feel so far like this is much more put together than FF [Fevered Fuse] was when I first saw it… So, I guess my feeling so far is that the series is worth going on with….”
I’ve finished revising the first fourteen chapters, but after reading a writing article, I realised my original Scrivener outline would lead me astray. Fortunately, I have a synopsis with updates added, plus extensive notes on the new potline. So, I’m writing a new outline to guide my revision process.
I did start posting the opening six chapters of Fevered Fuse, if anyone is interested in seeing where I might have gone wrong. The comments there make me realise FF still has a future, someday.
Our Twitter handle is @TheIWSG, and our hashtag is #IWSG.
Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!
Posting: The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group Day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer – aim for a dozen new people each time – and return comments. This group is all about connecting!
Although I knew March’s Insecure Writer’s Support Group post was approaching, I’ve continued to have eye problems, which have made it hard to write or even clear my emails. So, I’ve delayed the next episode of my Ukraine saga, Freedom Flights.
Slava Ukraini
Heroiam slava!
Since my January IWSG post, I’ve been posting Fevered Fuse, the first of my Snowdon Shadows novels featuring Sparkle Anwyl, in serial form. Links to each post can be found via my updated Snowdon Shadows page on the left-hand sidebar. However, I’m postponing the next chapter for the same health reasons and, vainly, hoping for more feedback on my recent post, Serialise or Submit? My Recurring Dilemma.
However, I realise, after reading this invaluable post, that I’ve become appalling at visiting other writers’ sites. So, why should they visit me? Health could be a reason for my non-involvement, but there are others as well. I seem to have too little time and too many commitments… or is checking up on news from Ukraine and now Iran a distraction?
Before I answer this month’s question, some of you may be wondering about the strange post title, Space Lunch. In fact, the file is called ‘Space Launch’. Alongside my eye strain, I also have a keyboard that’s misbehaving, typing too many letters or missing them. I try using dictation software, but it also makes ‘misssteaks’ I must correct.
Yet Space Lunch sounds intriguing.
**
Every month, IWSG announces a question that members can answer in their IWSG posts. These questions may prompt you to share advice, insight, a personal experience, or a story. Include your answer to the question in your IWSG post or let it inspire your post if you are struggling with something to say.
Remember, the question is optional!
March 4 question – What elements do you include in your book launch? Or what do you have in mind for your future book launch? Or what advice do you have to offer to others planning to launch a book?
Until I have another ready for release, my only published novel, Spiral of Hooves, remains my only launch. Initially, with the Kindle release on Monday, December 9th, 2013, by Spectacle Publishing, I concentrated on contributing posts to the website of other Spectacle authors whose books were released at the same. We also reciprocated by posting on each other’s sites.
Released on Monday, August 7th, 2017, the second edition was a chance to try a different approach with an online release day gathering involving author friends, one of whom, a published mystery writer, provided an endorsement for the back cover. I encouraged the other writers to talk about their writing and books. There were also competitions with prizes, including autographed copies of the novel.
Whenever I get to launch another novel, I’ll probably repeat the online book launch gathering, but I’ve seen more authors doing extensive book tours, including visits to other writers’ blogs for interviews or to post there.
I would advise fellow writers to look to more successful published writers than me, for instance, Jacqui Murray, author of the popular prehistoric fiction saga, Man vs. Nature. Her latest book in the saga, Balance of Nature, has just been released. In 2019, I joined her tour for Book 2 in the Crossroads trilogy, the second part of her engrossing saga.
So, Space Lunch is still intriguing. Any thoughts on what it is or where it’s being held or performed? Answers on a postcard or in the comments, please.
Our Twitter handle is @TheIWSG, and our hashtag is #IWSG.
Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!
Posting: The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group Day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer – aim for a dozen new people each time – and return comments. This group is all about connecting!
Apologies for the delay in posting anything. Health issues, so the doctor upped a medicine, and now pain has been replaced by drowsiness. So, posting this has been difficult.
I was intending to post the next part ofFevered Fuse, but I began to wonder what effect that would have on my publishing rights. Although I’m posting on my own website, it seems a publisher is likely to consider that excerpt too long and therefore ‘published’. That means I’ve given up my First Publication Rights.
Or have I?
I’ve already posted 13,000 words, which is about 18% of the novel’s total word count. The percentage some say might be acceptable is 5-10%, which I’ve exceeded already. However, although I have over 900 subscribers, the most ‘Likes’ I’ve received is 8, which is 0.9%. So, surely posting Fevered Fuse chapters has yet to dent future sales.
Nevertheless, before the novel is submitted, it would be advisable to change anything I post online, or instead I could explain in my submission letter that few people read those chapters.
Unless I switch focus onto revising Fates Maelstrom, which follows in chronological order from Fevered Fuse in the Snowdon Shadows series, and which one beta reader felt had a stronger opening in the first three chapters, so far.
I realise I decided to serialise after the responses to my January IWSG post, though I didn’t fully understand the consequences. Does anybody have any further comments?
Do my eight plus faithful readers want me to continue the serialisation of Fevered Fuse? An alternative is that I send a copy of the current draft to anyone as if they were beta readers. If you would like that, post a request with your email address in the Contact section.
The following are the posts I referred to, although opinions vary on the pros and cons:
Having posted the conclusion to Chapter Six of Fevered Fuse, there were a few invaluable revelations for Sparkle to move her life forward. The next two chapters lead to another impactful memory, long as originally written as a short story.
Here is a recap of previous events.
RECAP: After a strange text message draws a young woman to a bar, she is knocked off her motorbike as she answers her phone, saying, “Sparkle Anwyl”. A flashback to an earlier motorcycle accident confuses Sparkle when she wakes up at her family’s sheep farm. Amnesia has blotted out her occupation and the identity of her husband. She swims and sleeps to remember. Memories of an old lesbian relationship and an early case as a uniform police officer hint at her realising she had a ‘detective lover’.
If you wish to know more, there are links to the previous Fevered Fuse chapters that can be found via my updated Snowdon Shadows page on the left-hand sidebar.
Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Blossom scents on the cool breeze. Home cooking tempts me as the jigsaw of shattered images takes form.
I’m a detective. My dying tad said, ‘CID is your logical way forward.’ Our war is against crime.
The visitors are downstairs. The 5 feet 8 inches grey-haired woman speaks Welsh fluently – unlike my English doctor. Fifties and warmly formidable. She must be my boss.
Dressed and head focused, I greet her.
“DCI Baines in person. Whom my tad called ‘the best detective NWP has.’ And I’m allowed to call you Ffion, even on duty in Porthmadog.”
She laughs and touches my shoulder. “Some might disagree and claim another detective is the best. You remember more than you told Robyn. Are you keeping secrets?”
I look at the doctor and motion to the breakfast table. Mam is already producing a full breakfast – eggs, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, cockles, and laver bread, of course. Welsh plus.
“My head still has a few. Sleep helps. And your arrival triggered memories of my tad encouraging me into CID. Joining your team.”
Mam produces Ffion’s mint tea and my black coffee.
Robyn insists on tea diluted with milk. No sugar. Wife or medical sense?
“And no traumatic nightmares?” asks Ffion.
Lurking but not clear. “Convicted. Well, the school bully leader who got arrested – before I stopped being uniform. But I suspect Cadell Pryce is free – his sentence should be up. Or has he re-offended? No. Somehow, I sense he’s out there.”
“And you feel threatened? In reality or your head?”
Reparation paid. Maybe a clue, but no more.
“Revenge is over both ways. I’m moving on. One memory at a time – like a jigsaw puzzle.”
But there are mislaid pieces. A stray number – meaningless. My mind has buried secrets – like my husband. Except my grandparents walk in. Their expressions last night are a warning – don’t go there yet. Outside? Sidestep one issue. Feel for the piece at the centre.
“The most recent accident left me superficially bruised. So, I was wearing protection like motorcycle leathers and a helmet. But still bad enough to cause amnesia.”
I watch for reactions. Clues to the incident. Ffion remains silent, but the doctor has his excuse to display his knowledge.
“Your accident caused structural damage to the brain, a traumatic brain injury like a cricketer being hit by a ball. Your motorcycle helmet protected you from an external force and more serious injury.”
Tick – motorbike accident, hence the echo from my accident in 2011.
“Why the fragments? Isn’t post-traumatic amnesia immediate and concentrated on the incident – and, yes, that’s a blank.”
“I began my evaluation by performing a complete medical history. North Wales Police have detailed files, so your 2011 injuries were recorded. Yes, back then your doctor suspected concussion.”
Ffion and mam glance at each other, then me. I read their minds.
“Repeated concussion could be a factor. Yet my memories are returning. Can the brain reroute its way around damaged areas?”
Robyn hesitates, toying with his food. I give him time to think and eat some cockles, savouring the shellfish.
“I’d be remiss to lie. Studies suggest the brain repairs itself from one concussion, but from multiple concussions, depending on the severity of the injury, you could have mild … impairment, consisting of deficits in memory and concentration later in life. But by all accounts, your mind is unusual.”
“DC Anwyl – Sparkle is talented with brain puzzlers. The holes will vanish. I’m convinced of that.”
Ffion’s belief in me is uplifting and reassuring.
“So, if you all keep jogging my memory by exposing me to significant articles from my past, that should speed the rate of recall. Correct?”
Robyn nods and relaxes by spiking a mushroom.
“Wearing a helmet, both times, was crucial, so I agree that recovery is likely. Plus, I did a physical examination for traumatic brain injury, also known as post-traumatic amnesia, and I ran various diagnostic tests, such as neuroimaging, electroencephalograms and blood tests. Your symptoms tally with retrograde amnesia – the loss of memories that were formed shortly before the injury. Clearly, you have ‘holes’ in your episodic memory activity that match the damage to the hippocampus.”
Hippo as in Africa or as in Horses. The wrong trigger or a clue?
“My older memories seem clearest and more easily accessible than events occurring just prior to the trauma. But there are still gaps. And the events nearest in time to the incident that caused the memory loss may never be recovered.” I hesitate. Shivers of fear about what I have lost – who I’ve lost.
Gwawr signs, “Chill. Focus.” Reassuring. She switches to spoken words – careful and deliberate. “The neural pathways of newer memories are not as strong … as older ones that have been strengthened by years of retrieval and re-consolidation. Are the repressed holes memories?” She looks at me, then the doctor. Someone has been doing her research, as usual.
Robyn ensures that he faces her, so his lips are visible. “Impressive question. Yes, that is possible as dissociative amnesia is selective. It can be temporary, and memory may return once the stressors are removed. Sparkle, your sister is correct. If memories have been buried in the past, then those repressed memories will take time to emerge.”
Buried by what? Who was my secret lover? Not Bran, so who? My ring finger is a clue. I’m married or was. My memory of Nerys and Bran’s affair threw up suggestions that stirred thoughts about ‘my detective lover.’ One that tad didn’t suspect. Did Ffion ever know?
Why is it buried? Not just concussion.
I push my seat back and stand. “Sorry, I need to swim. It cools my mind – helps. Then we can continue – outside.”
Ffion and Robyn are sitting on a rock with Gwawr, waiting for me to re-engage with reality after my swim. My boss is dabbling a hand in the lake.
My sister slips into the water as I climb out, then signs. “Knew you wanted to be alone with your memories.”
“Usually, but you help. Enjoy your swim.”
It is harder than I expected to face the truth. The jigsaw is still fractured. I mustn’t jump to conclusions. But Bran was my cover. How much did my family know?
Ffion hands me my towel. “Any clearer after diving into this cold water?”
What does she know?
“More like questions that could be progress. Questions about – relationships. I suspect keeping them apart from work might have locked some of that away.”
“Any clue what? Interacting with colleagues has never been a problem, most of the time. Although you’re a valuable team player.”
But her face says, not always. And it reminds me of nain and taid ignoring me. Except in my memory, my grandparents warned me away from same-sex relationships.
“There was an incident at school – before I joined the police. Nothing illegal, except in some people’s eyes.”
Realisation floods her face and Robyn’s. He intervenes.
“I’ve seen nothing that would affect your job. Even your tattoos are more strictly regulated. So, it’s unlikely that your relationship is connected to the accident.”
I twine my fingers together.
Ffion touches my arm. “Do you disagree? Have you remembered what your current case was? Or who you were assigned with?”
I close my eyes. Attempt to focus. Fleeting faces and names. Concussion has blocked their relevance and roles.
I shake my head. “I need another trigger – a recent case perhaps.” My bare ring finger tingles, as do my tattoos.
“Maybe if I were home.”
“Home isn’t here? Then where?” Ffion squeezes my hand. “What do you remember?”
“Black Rock Sands seems relevant – not just from an old uniform case. Swimming in the sea. And a relationship with another detective. Who? From my ring finger, I’d conclude we were engaged or married.”
“Correct deduction. Any names?”
Ffion smiles. She knows but won’t say. Male or female? Dead or alive?
“Only the ones of those it isn’t. They may not be police anymore. He may have been … killed in the line of duty.”
Robyn winces. What does he know? Was my husband a corpse he examined?
Not Robyn’s role. He’s a neurologist, not a coroner.
“Whatever happened, you made the right decisions, so don’t blame yourself.”
Does that mean I rejected ‘my leanings’ and conformed? Or that an investigation had consequences. Have I rejected what others called ‘strange tastes?’ Why can’t I remember?
Because the name is ‘locked in my heart’, and the concussion has sealed my mind tight.
“Until I remember more, I can’t blame anyone. I must find a trigger.”
The stray number in my head must be our phone – our landline.
“Ffion, I need to ring a number – now. Can I use your mobile, please?”
“As long as you don’t cheat and check anything else.” A wink reassures me.
“Copper’s honour I won’t. You can dial, and we can listen on speaker phone.”
I give her the numbers. “I think home must be this telephone number.”
The phone rings three times, and then we hear the recorded message.
“A is for Arson. C is for Cold Crimes. E is for Evidence. All these reasons are why we’re not here. So, use your intelligence.”
That voice – female, South Wales, the tone dark and sensual.
Shivers up my spine – warm and thrilling. My tattoos tingle.
Apologies for the delay in posting this conclusion to Chapter Six of Fevered Fuse. Here is a recap of previous events. To make sense of the characters mentioned in this chapter finale, please read at least Parts One & Two.
RECAP: After a strange text message draws a young woman to a bar, she is knocked off her motorbike as she answers her phone, saying, “Sparkle Anwyl”. A flashback to an earlier motorcycle accident confuses Sparkle when she wakes up at her family’s sheep farm. Amnesia has blotted out her occupation and the identity of her husband. She swims and sleeps to remember, waking to “persistent thuds” in her head… back in her memories of a past relationship.
If you wish to know more, there are links to the previous Fevered Fuse chapters that can be found via my updated Snowdon Shadows page on the left-hand sidebar.
Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome.
#
FEVERED FUSE
Chapter Six
Goth Patrol
PART 3
Sunday 22nd February 2015
As I sit at home waiting for Bran, my confusion grows.
Cadell wanted revenge. Lies feed that – even after the crime is solved.
What was Nerys’s alibi? What was her motive for helping me? Love?
A bell rings. The front door. Bran by the key turning in the lock. He steps in, grinning and carrying the tell-tale roses, champagne and chocolates. Still acting as the boyfriend even when he’s not the one. So, why the guilty act?
He hugs me, caressing my shoulders gently, fingers kneading my neck. His kiss is lingering, his tongue teasing. But it never means anything. It never has. Play-acting – the friend who wants more.
My mind lingers on the stupid gifts. Alarm bells.
“Put the roses in a vase, annwyl – the bubbly and chocs in the fridge. First, we celebrate my release—”
“A meal at our favourite restaurant?”
“Not yet.”
He scoops me up and carries me into the bedroom. I protest. My heart thumps against my chest. Mind flips. Unexpected. Wrong. It’s not this easy. It will never be with him. I have a lover.
He lays me on the bed, hands caressing me. Lifting my tee. Kisses like butterfly wings on my exposed stomach. Hunger is forgotten. Betrayed by desire.
This isn’t what I want. Bran has always tried too hard – ignoring my leanings. This man tries slow seduction. No frantic fumbling to remove my jeans. Hands find places he’d missed before. Tremors tempt my resolve. This is all wrong. Bran knows I won’t do this.
The wave of pleasure feels wonderful. My hands dance on his chest.
No. Wrong person. This can’t happen.
A feather-touch on my lips. Fingers exploring my face. Down, searching for hidden nipples.
I clutch my head. Blood pounding. Gasping for breath. My body wants this – needs him. Betraying me. Pull him closer. He smiles. Grins? Why?
He slips off my jeans. My body screams for him as fingers move down, drawing out buried secrets.
This must stop. My boundaries are being invaded. Why, when we had an agreement?
Don’t let him. He doesn’t stop. Just continues his fluttering exploration of my semi-naked body. Fingers tracing the edge of my sports bra.
My body betrays my resolve. Shivering. Squirming. Aroused.
My mind wants to fight – call this rape. But Bran is my mask. I can’t accuse him. I’ve encouraged him – want him. This feels wrong.
Thumbs massage my thighs – float teasingly together. Hovering touch of my damp knickers. Gentle, yet firm. Spiralling to the centre where—
Where only one person has the right to go.
But not the first.
Nerys Jernigan. She aroused me this way.
The shivers and tattoos tingling return. The out-of-tune violin screeches. I break away. Reality hits me. I perch on the bed.
Bran slinks beside me, kisses me again – lightly. Another passion-starved lover. And traces of an ashtray.
Adrenaline becomes Anger.
“What’s wrong, annwyl? You were enjoying that. We’ve pretended for too long. This time, I made all the right moves—”
“Ones that Nerys taught you. You slept with her – last night. And then you both seduce me. Why?”
He looks at me as if I’ve hurt him. He gapes innocently. “That’s crazy. I just realised I needed to be gentler – more responsive. Isn’t that why you have strange tastes?”
His eyes contradict the excuses.
“No. You mimic her caresses. The slut plotted with you. Her alibi. You left work early and rang me late. Pric pwdin. You stink of her. I’ve been so stupid. Why her?”
“You ask why, when you work 24/7, or your mind does.” He stands and points at the bed. “You want me to cover for you. What do I get? Nothing. I want sex too. This is the twenty-first century. Jeez, eff cripes. You’re such a hypocrite. You get sex when you want it. You fucked Nerys and then left her – and I covered for your betrayal. Payback is a bitch.”
I close my eyes and try to remember the real passion. It is there – but only with the right partner. Bran can never replace my real love. It’s impossible – despite my compromised resolve.
“You and Nerys deceived me. Did she set this up?”
“Not exactly. We slept together, twice, maybe three times. And it felt good. Isn’t that why you were lovers?”
Yes, I nearly let her seduce me today. But nothing happened.
“Yes, and we had to part. But I didn’t break a commitment to my partner – even if you both tried. Why?”
“Nerys was there when you weren’t. She had time for me and laughed with me. She proved my innocence. Yes, she was my alibi. But she dealt with Cadell. You just did your damn duty. Without Nerys, you would be tramping streets – or dead in the water.”
I fume at his naivety – and mine. And at the betrayal. They played me. But it ends here. I don’t need a fake boyfriend to threaten my life.
“It’s been…interesting…knowing you. I can’t judge all men by your deviousness, Bran – nor all women by Nerys’s lies. Yes. I slept with her, not you. But I’m glad our deception is over. We can’t trust you with our secret. Get out now – and leave the spare key and any copies you made.”
No scene. Bran grabs his clothes – plus the cheap champagne and chocolates for Nerys. He slinks out – no doubt to her.
Then the silence, broken by body-shaking tears. Frustration and confusion. My resolve was broken. I am the betrayer.
Where have I gone wrong? What clues did I miss? I recall the events that led to the empty room – the upended life. The deceptions that were forced on us.
The crime. Too focused on Crime.
Deaf – metaphorically. Gwawr is physically registered as deaf. Yet she hears with a deeper sense – a talent that I’ve yet to learn. A gifted person who hears more clearly than anyone else, using her heightened awareness and appreciation. Why haven’t I learnt to read the signs?
Meaningless letters jumble.
Blinkered by the crime.
Distracted by a simple burglary. By the spiteful bully and the false friend.
C was for Cadell and Crime.
And for Cheats. All the letters were there, but my mind games failed.
C for Cadell, H for Habits. E for Evidence. A for Accomplice. T for Timing. S for Suspect. CHEATS.
And N for Nerys. Ffwc. Crime. Answers. Evidence. Reasons. The big C—
The blow constricts my breath.
I must ring my tad. Is he working? Unlikely. He needs me. I call his mobile.
“Marc Anwyl.”
Bleary. Tired. I’ve woken him.
“Tad, I’ve been so wrong.” Choke back tears. “Please, I need to talk. I’ll come—”
“No. I’m on my way to your flat. Stay there, Meinwen.”
This flood is not me – the cool cop.
#
I’m still crying when the doorbell rings. Tad.
I hug him and stroke his bald head.
“I didn’t realise. It’s cancer – the treatment. You didn’t want to tell me – anyone. I understand. But I’m here, and I love you.”
I pull him closer. Too late?
He holds me. Weeps with me, although his grip is as firm as ever. Never willingly weak.
“I don’t blame you. I hide behind a tough facade every day. Always have done.” He strides into the front room and eases into the sofa. Wipes some tears away. “Was I too tough as a father?”
I stand beside him. Hold his naked head and caress it. Precious. What is too tough?
“Strict, yes. Never harsh. You made me what I am – as did mam. Gave me rules – a code to honour.” Tested me every day. Today. He’d wanted me to investigate. “Pushed me to be—”
“The best, Meinwen. That’s what you are becoming. As a child, you were inquisitive… needing to solve everything.”
“Except I missed all the signs – your baldness, Bran’s cheating, Nerys’s lies. And I forgot the rules. I don’t even know what I want anymore.” I look at him, into his soul. “I want you back with mam. I want our family whole again. I will convince her, as I know she still loves you in her heart.”
He drops his head in his hands. Our tears become gasping sobs.
I drop to my knees – grab him. Trembling as he cries. Eventually, he settles, while my heart breaks.
“I don’t have much time. Maybe four months. I was diagnosed too late with stage four prostate cancer. I kept missing check-ups.” He shakes himself – smiles. “But, if you want, I’ll come home with you. Learn to be a family. I can do that, at least, although I dreamt of more.”
More? What do fathers want? Love. I crave that affection and fear the outcomes. Like losing him again. Torrent of tears. And confusion.
“I have a confession, tad. The relationship is over. Bran was sleeping with my best friend.” He nods. Don’t stop there.
Not yet. Too much shit to handle. Not everything – some things must remain hidden.
“Inevitable, even without my concerns. The warning signs were there. Your sister sensed those—”
I start, then stare. And I didn’t see them. “Gwawr told you? When?”
Tad closes his eyes and smiles. She has that effect.
“When we all lived in Garndolbenmaen, and you first started dating Bran. Even back then, she sensed something was troubling you. She was frightened for you… all the bullying … the Goth Patrol.”
My sensitive sister frightened for me – unaware of how deep I had gone. Of what I was becoming – a vigilante. Or did she suspect? Had she tried to talk to me? Blinkered to her love. So, Gwawr talked to tad. Our precious role model.
“So, that was why you dropped suggestions that my class do a project on Heddlu Gogledd Cymru and their operation in Porthmadog.” I laugh at the blatant but clever move. “Kept me off the wrong streets but on the right ones.”
“It worked. Although I had to let you solve the Bran issue.”
I gesture to the kitchen. Make us our favourite fresh black coffee. Delay my hardest confession. When do I admit my mistake? If it is one.
Settled in the front room, I sip the black motivator. The thoughts escape.
“Nerys Jernigan helped me. Today … as before. But the reasons were false. She used me to get Bran.” Pause. Breathe. Heart beating. Tattoos tingling – encouraging. Half-truths are bubbling. “Confession – I slept with her a few years ago. Bran was the … rebound. Relationships like that must be wrong. The chapel condemns it. Taid Pugh would cane me.”
Will my Heddlu colleagues call me ‘dyke’ as the bullies did? Ignore that. My decision is made as I continue. “A mess. I’m confused, tad.”
His tears begin again. He shakes his head. Why didn’t I remain quiet? His rejection is next. Found then lost.
He takes my hands and smiles.
“I knew about your ‘affair’ with Nerys. You need to discover yourself, and that’s not a sin, whatever preachy chapel folk say. You’ll find the right person – maybe a woman, maybe a better guy than me. Who cares if you truly love each other? That’s all I want.”
He isn’t angry. I’m not being thrown out on my arse. He doesn’t suspect. The right person lives with me.
“You knew? How?”
“Clues. Concern about the Goth Patrol. You and Nerys were so close. Teachers talked but didn’t know. Life gets complicated. Crime can be complex. Cops sense things. You’re learning that. Gut feelings, or in your case, tattoos tingling, and lateral thinking. You started young, and that helps.”
I laugh. Tad even sees my weird quirks. What next?
“This time, I don’t have the time to waste edging you on to the next step. I’ll be blunt. As I suggested last year, CID is your logical way forward.”
Alarm, even with hints. “But aren’t I too young? Maybe in a few years—”
“As I said, you learnt to read the signs growing up, even if you took a strange path. You’ve had three feverish years on the street. Your mind is your gift. CID needs your wiles. Never forget my tad was eighteen when he landed at Normandy.” He reaches into his jacket and removes a folded form. “Anyway, applications are open. This will get you started, although there’s a lot of studying and learning ahead.”
“I’m already learning – from you, tad. And from others.”
Does he realise how close one detective is to me? Same flat. Same bed. Same quirks.
“Keep learning from the best. I even made a recommendation that you post here in Porthmadog, which might fast-track the process. You know DCI Ffion Baines from various cases, even from before you did your initial training. She’s the best detective NWP has had for a few decades, and she’s understanding.”
I glance at the form. Mind racing. Is there time?
“Once I’m accepted, it’ll mean seventeen weeks away perhaps. Will you be here when—?”
“For you, Meinwen Sparkle Anwyl, I will be down here for that day… and then forever.” From around his neck, he shows me a dove on a chain. “My mam gave me this emblem of Saint David … so I never lost her.”
Forever in my heart and actions. We embrace. Homecoming beckons.
Although I knew February’s Insecure Writer’s Support Group post was approaching, I’ve been having eye problems, which have made it hard to clear my writing desk. So, I’ve delayed the next episode of my Ukraine saga, Freedom Flights.
Slava Ukraini
Heroiam slava!
Since my January IWSG post, I’ve been posting Fevered Fuse, the first of my Snowdon Shadows novels featuring Sparkle Anwyl, in serial form. Links to each post can be found via my updated Snowdon Shadows page on the left-hand sidebar.
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Every month, IWSG announces a question that members can answer in their IWSG posts. These questions may prompt you to share advice, insight, a personal experience, or a story. Include your answer to the question in your IWSG post or let it inspire your post if you are struggling with something to say.
Remember, the question is optional!
February 4 question – Many writers have written about the experience of rereading their work years later. Have you reread any of your early works? What was that experience like for you?
First Snow on Snowdon ~ Juanita Clarke
After my number one reader, Rebecca Douglass, gave the opening three chapters of ‘Fates Maelstrom’ her seal of approval, I continued to revise what was originally the first of the Snowdon Shadows series, until various Sparkle Anwyl shorts evolved into ‘Fevered Fuse’, now chronologically first.
As a result, I reread the other draft books in the series to see whether they matched the openers. A worthwhile exercise, especially as they don’t follow events in the first two books. Otherwise, my reaction was a mixture of surprise at how my writing had changed, surprise at some of my plot twists, and uneasiness over how much needed reworking. One common element, even in the draft of ‘Fates Maelstrom’ I’m revising, is Sparkle’s relationships with romantic partners.
In ‘Fevered Fuse’, someone emerges who should be in every sequel but isn’t. Yet I created that special someone in a short story after drafting those other novels, and since I’ve made them a central character alongside Sparkle. Instead, there will be rivals for Sparkle’s affection, demanding I change the plot in the other books to retain their role
Last year, I also reread drafts of other novels. It was interesting, as there were a few of them that I regretted abandoning, when another idea dragged me in a new direction. Some were written for NaNoWriMo; others were developed as sequels to earlier drafts. The aim was not just to see if my writing had improved, as I still don’t feel it has. But ultimately, I needed to decide which novel to focus on, given my age and health. Today, bedbound with a fractured leg, aching back, stomach pains, and multiple sclerosis & CLL, any time feels precious.
Although my decision is made – Fates Maelstrom – there were two close contenders. ‘Tortuous Terrain’, the US-based sequel to my only published novel, Spiral of Hooves, but, despite the plotline, the lack of sales and mixed reviews for Spiral of Hooves deterred me.
The other was my Alternative History, Eagle Crossing, which grew out of the question, “What would have happened if Leif Eriksson had settled Vinland permanently in 1000 AD?”, spawning a short story, then the draft novel and its related Viking Age history from 1000-2020. Maybe another short story is possible.
Our Twitter handle is @TheIWSG, and our hashtag is #IWSG.
Purpose: To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!
Posting: The first Wednesday of every month is officially Insecure Writer’s Support Group Day. Post your thoughts on your own blog. Talk about your doubts and the fears you have conquered. Discuss your struggles and triumphs. Offer a word of encouragement for others who are struggling. Visit others in the group and connect with your fellow writer – aim for a dozen new people each time – and return comments. This group is all about connecting!
Writing Wings 